New from Dr. Henry Cloud

This just came into my inbox from Dr. Henry Cloud. I am not a subscriber and so I don’t have any first hand experience with it, but Dr. Cloud’s reputation is outstanding and if you’re struggling with boundary issues it certainly might be worth a try!

A new way to a happier life
Boundaries.me is a monthly subscription offering brand new videos, workbooks, audio and other content designed to make setting boundaries in every area of your life easier. Every month, brand new content. Really, the idea is to actually make your life easier, so that you experience less pain, less heartache and less confusion in the relationships that matter most.

Oh, also, sign up today, and we’ll send you a free book, while supplies last*.

Simple. Easy. $9 per month.

In creating Boundaries.me, our priorities were:

As simple as possible
At the lowest price we could offer
To provide clear, structured, actionable content and tools to bring Boundaries to life, every month.
This is about as close as we could get to making it possible for me to be your personal Boundaries mentor. On the first Friday of every month, we’ll release a new learning path consisting of videos, workbooks and audio to guide you through Boundaries in that month’s topic.

We’ll also be offering tons of bonus content that will go live on the site every Friday. You’ll get access to mini-courses created in partnership with our friends and people we admire. For instance, on Friday this week we’ll be posting a mini-course created with Shauna Niequist, which focuses on how to identify the most important people and goals that you have, and to structure your life towards protecting those things.

Over time, you’ll also get access to just about all of the digital products we’ve ever created. You’ll also get audio stories sharing the Boundaries journeys of dozens of people like you that we’ve spoken with. We recorded long interviews with individuals about their lives with the goal of uncovering the universal causes for boundaries issues… you’ll hear about a huge range of experiences, from all walks of life, with one thing in common… Boundaries helped them. And we’ll be continuing these conversations by creating online events and digital workshops for you to be part of the discussion.

*So what’s this about a free book?
As you may know, I wrote Boundaries with my friend John Townsend 25 years ago. We’ve released an updated edition with new content, much of it to do with technology and social media. Early subscribers to Boundaries.me will get a free copy of the updated book, signed by me. Many of you already have a well worn copy of the book, so maybe take a look at the new content and feel free to give it as a gift to someone who may need it. This is something we wanted to offer to early subscribers as an added value. It basically makes your first month of Boundaries.me free.

The best Boundaries content we could possibly offer, for about 30 cents per day.

A few months ago, we asked you to share your thoughts with us — we asked — where do you want further instruction in Boundaries? We heard from vast numbers of you that you want instruction in some specific topics, and you want it to be affordable, clear, and easy to use. Boundaries.me is what we came up with in response to your suggestions, and I couldn’t be more proud of it. Sign up today, and you’re free to cancel at any time. Cancel in the first 30 days, and we’ll refund your money no questions asked.

Cheers,
Henry

boundaries.me
instagram.com/thedailydrcloud
facebook.com/drhenrycloud

Separating Your Emotions from Your Legal Case

I found it helpful to have at least 3 meetings per week as follows:

  1. Church. I go to an Evangelical Christian Church, but whether you’re Jewish, Christian, Islamic or any other faith I believe it is important to work the spiritual components of your struggle within the principles of your faith. If you don’t believe in God, then I encourage you to seek because you may find something very beneficial. Remember, not all churches are the same and you may have to visit several and more than once in order to find a church home.
  2. Counseling from a professional therapist to work on your relationship skills. One of the jokes in divorce circles is “if you had taken the steps you’re taking now to get physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy BEFORE the divorce, you might never have gotten divorced!” Of course there are abusive relationships you must leave, but you will benefit from watching this classic 22 min. video by Dr. Henry Cloud a PhD Psychologist and PhD Theologian on “Foolish, Wise, and Evil People.” https://youtu.be/ruoPQuePhV8
  3. Group Divorce Support meetings. I found it helpful to go to such meetings in a church setting.
  4. 12-Step Groups. I am also a recovering co-dependent and so as you can see in a previous post codependents anonymous was helpful to me. If you have other addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. you can and should find a 12 step group. Learn more at these links:
  5. Physical Fitness is so important to reducing stress and keeping a clear head! Excerpt: “Stress is an inevitable part of life. Seven out of ten adults in the United States say they experience stress or anxiety daily, and most say it interferes at least moderately with their lives, according to the most recent ADAA survey on stress and anxiety disorders. When the American Psychological Association surveyed people in 2008, more people reported physical and emotional symptoms due to stress than they did in 2007, and nearly half reported that their stress has increased in the past year….While all of these are well-known coping techniques, exercise may be the one most recommended by health care professionals.” Source: https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/related-illnesses/other-related-conditions/stress/physical-activity-reduces-st

Marriage is Not to be Undertaken Lightly

Depending on whether you believe in God or practice a faith based religion your views will differ on this subject. There is definitely a negative interaction between marriage in a church and civil marriage laws. I say this because in so called “no fault” divorce states of which are the majority. See sources below. Either party can run into court and say “no fault” and take half the marital assets going their separate way. 

Of course, many of us have had our awareness to this sharpened and realize that without a good prenuptial agreement (even if there are few assets at the beginning of the marriage) either party can be “taken to the cleaners,” with little effort and no fault.

Think carefully. How long have you known this person before you marry? Does this person have a career, job and is he/she capable of supporting themselves if the marriage dissolves? If not, then the party that is making the money will be on the hook for “maintenance” (previously known as alimony) and if there are children, child support.

Couples often make sure they have a Will and Estate Plan that takes into account who will raise their children and get their assets if they die, but so many of us failed to see the looming danger of marriage dissolution in the majority of U.S. states where either party can simply dissolve the marriage for any reason with no fault and take half the marital assets.

Years ago I was asked by a business colleague about getting married and as the conversation evolved toward the business end of marriage I simply said, “If you love her, you don’t have to be married to prove it. You are just as capable of being faithful and loving whether you enter into the civil laws in the state you’re married in or not, but you will be better protected by having your own civil law (contract or prenuptial agreement) because so many states are ‘no fault’.” If you decide to risk it, then ask yourself ‘am I OK with giving half of all my assets to this person if the marriage should end for ANY reason?’ If the answer is yes, then marry her.” My friend did not marry and I believe he made the right choice.

“All states offer some version of no-fault divorce. California was the first to pass no-fault legislation in 1970, while New York brought up the rear by finally passing a no-fault law in 2010. As a result, no matter where you live, you can get a divorce by simply telling the court that your marriage is over. You no longer have to prove that your spouse caused the breakup. The similarity ends there, however. Individual states put their own spin on no-fault rules.” Source: www.info.legalzoom.com/states-nofault-divorce-states-20400.html

“States with No-Fault Divorce and No Waiting Period

The states that offer no-fault divorce without requiring a period of separation are: Alaska Arizona California Colorado Florida Georgia Indiana Iowa Kansas Kentucky Maine Massachusetts Michigan Mississippi Missouri Montana Nebraska New Hampshire New Mexico North Dakota Oklahoma Oregon South Dakota Washington Wisconsin Wyoming

In these states, a couple may obtain a no-fault divorce without first meeting any separation requirement. Some of these states also offer legal separation instead of divorce.

 

No-Fault Divorce With Separation Requirement

Some states require the parties to live apart for a minimum length of time before seeking a no-fault divorce. The length of time required varies by state and ranges from 180 days to five years. The states that require a period of separation, and the minimum length of separation, are:

Alabama – 2 years, Connecticut – 18 months, Hawaii – 2 years, Idaho – 5 years, Illinois – 2 years, Louisiana – 180 days, Minnesota – 180 days, Nevada – 1 year, Ohio – 1 year, Pennsylvania – 2 years, Rhode Island – 3 years, Tennessee – 2 years, Texas – 3 years, Utah – 3 years, West Virginia – 1 year

No-Fault or Fault Divorce

Some U.S. states offer both a no-fault and a fault divorce option. Couples who do not want to observe the waiting period requirement are allowed to file for fault divorce. Some common grounds for fault include cruelty, adultery, desertion, confinement in prison or a similar institution, and inability to perform sexual intercourse, if this was not disclosed prior to the marriage. States that offer both no-fault and fault divorce include:

Alabama Alaska Connecticut Delaware Georgia Idaho Illinois Maine Massachusetts Mississippi New Hampshire New Mexico North Dakota Ohio Oklahoma Pennsylvania Rhode Island South Dakota Tennessee Texas Utah West Virginia” Source: www.livestrong.com/article/100998-states-fault-divorce/  

Marriage and Midlife Crises

I’m reposting one section from an email I received from Michele Weiner-Davis Oct. 3, 2017 newsletter with a link to her full site. I will say that I have found her insights to be invaluable to me and I benefitted from one of her personal coaches when I was going through my divorce to a wife of 18 years that went to her 30th high school reunion and connected with an old crush that was at that time married and living in LA.

…”If you’re going through a midlife crisis and you’re married, it’s important to understand that your marriage might be at risk. 

When you’re unhappy, you look around for the cause of the unhappiness. And sometimes the person standing closest to you-your spouse-is in the line of fire.

You think about how differently your life might have turned out were it not for your spouse holding you back in some way.

You tell yourself you would be better off striking out on your own or finding a new, more supportive, sexy, fun-loving spouse with whom you can spend the rest of your life.

What could be a better escape from all the thinking you’re doing about what’s not working in your life than to find someone with whom you can have a fresh start, who finds you fascinating and exciting?

While it’s possible that your marriage has been less than satisfying and in need of a major makeover, it’s important not to make any monumental, life-altering decision such as having an affair or ending your marriage while you’re feeling overwhelmed with powerful emotions.

Making an impulsive decision to break up a marriage or have an affair often leads to a deep sense of regret or remorse…” Source: http://www.divorcebusting.com  

Divorce Varies from State to State and within each State from County to County

One of the issues that people encounter is described in the posts below. The first is from the PBS News Hour and the second from a law firm. I have no affiliation with the law firm. I simply did a Google search.

I want you to be aware that even within the same state. I live in Illinois, the county laws and “local rules” vary. Therefore, it is a myth to think you can get the same divorce state to state or county to county. In Illinois one of the “games” divorce litigants play is to try to move their divorce and/or themselves into a different county that may be more advantageous to their legal objectives.

In my non lawyer experience many ladies involved in divorce have attempted to move into or use the Cook County (Chicago) jurisdiction because they perceived it would be more favorable to their gaining full custody of children. We can argue about the ethics, but I will not engage in such debates. My only objective is to make people aware. Knowledge is power and let your conscience, your lawyer and your Higher Power or God if you are a believer be your guide.

Is it time for a national divorce law too?

BY LAURENCE KOTLIKOFF  June 26, 2015 at 4:13 PM EDT

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http://www.pbs.org/newshour/making-sense/isnt-time-national-divorce-law/

“One of the biggest issues some married couples face when they move across state lines is how they will fare if they get divorced. (And, again, almost half will untie the knot.) The answer may be far better or far worse depending on the state and even the county in which you reside. I say “may,” because if you reach an amicable settlement, that settlement may be legally approved no matter where you live. But if you have a contested divorce and end up leaving it up to a judge, she’ll likely apply state or county guidelines that can be very different depending on the state or country. Indeed, since only a few states and counties in the country have formal guidelines, the guidelines are mostly those set by the local judge. These judges are, of course, influenced primarily by what other judges in their locality and state are doing.”

======================

 

Different States, Different Divorce Laws

Purpose of the Guide

I recently recognized the recovery help I received from a combination of sources including those from divorce recovery at churches I attended,  counseling, and independent divorce recovery support groups were all lacking individually, but brought together as a whole, were substantial.

Therefore, the purpose of this guide is to “bring together” resources from many diverse areas in an effort and with my Higher Power’s help to help others.

Jim Bilello

Oct. 1, 2017